Enough, already!

Hands up, all who never want to hear another word about the US debt crisis.

Hands up, all who believe the average US congressperson has the mental acuity of a cantaloupe.

Hands up, all who feel this is unfair to cantaloupes.

Hands up, give us all your cash. (Our way out of the debt crisis.)

On the Cliff with Boehner's Complainers

Those who remember the Kingston Trio's recording of "Tom Dooley" may warm to the version currently being sung in Washington:

"Hang down your head, John Boehner,

  Hang down your head and cry.

  No use bein' a complainer--

  Your bill ain't gonna fly."

Meanwhile, 87 Republican freshmen in the House of Representatives, full of toxic tea, run lemming-like toward the cliff.

Here at the Pointless Digressions base, we are all, to show our support, wearing President "Hoop Star" Obama tee shirts.

Life Imitates Art and Vice Versa

Watching Jim Barker, coach of the Toronto Argonauts, our football analyst, Bradley Turfburn, believes Coach Barker may have been watching Al Pacino in "Any Given Sunday." So far, however, there have been no stand-ins for Jamie Foxx's upchucking quarterback.

And on the subject of overheated coaches, no one, says Bradley, comes close to Bruce Dern as basketball coach Bullion in "Drive, He Said."

Please pass the nachos and beer nuts.

Rescue Opration

DARING OPERATION RESCUES MAN FROM LINKEDIN!

In a daring daylight operation, a 38-year-old businessman identified only as Harvey S., has been rescued from the social network known as LinkedIn. The rescue was carried out by Fred "Duke" Oglethorpe, famous for retrieving young men and women from the Moonies.

"I am so grateful to Duke Oglethorpe" said Patricia S. "My husband had gotten completely carried away. He was connected to 1,543 persons, but"--she paused to dab her eyes--"no longer connected to me." 

Harvey S. is now undergoing deprogramming. "It's looking good," said Oglethorpe "We put him in a room with pen and paper, a manual typewriter, a copy of 'Leaves of Grass' and a Harry Nilsson CD. Pretty soon all those connections will be erased and he can take up real life again."

For Duke Oglethorpe, greater challenges remain. "There's a rumor," he said, "that 10,000 marriages are about to be performed on the Internet, linking total strangers to each other or maybe to a whole lot of others. Our work has just begun."   

The Sunny Orange of Friendship

June 24 was the birth date of John D. MacDonald, and if he had been around to celebrate, he would have been ninety-five years old.

John D. (for Dann) was an alumnus of Harvard and the OSS who wrote a library shelf of novels. He was best known for his Travis McGee series, twenty-one mysteries featuring the skipper of "The Busted Flush," each with a color in the title, from "The Deep Blue Goodbye" in 1964 to "The Lonely Silver Rain" in 1985.

But a more interesting (to this department) and off-beat book is "A Friendship," sub-titled "The Letters of Dan Rowan and John D. MacDonald 1967-1974." MacDonald and Rowan, co-creator of "Laugh-In," had a deep on-again, off-again, on-again friendship, and these letters chronicle that time. 

Worth looking for, in a dusty corner of the library or a good used book store.  

Boehner Slow Brainer?

Only asking. But here we have--or the United States has--the person who, as Speaker of the House, is second in line for the Presidency, should anything happen, God forbid, to the Chief Executive, and so far he has shown mainly an ability to weep on cue. 

In group meetings, the man with the lime green necktie has the uncomfortable look of someone who doesn't understand what is being said, the manner of a student who hopes desperately not to be called on, for not only does he not have the answer, he didn't understand the question. One feels that if President Obama makes a joke, he has to hurry back to Eric Cantor to see whether it's okay to laugh. 

This is dispiriting for those of us with American roots, but then one remembers this is a nation that once had Dan Quayle as Vice-President. This is a country where, according to recent polls, 51 percent of Republicans believe Obama was born outside the USA and 42 percent of Democrats believe that George W. Bush and Dick Cheney either planned or knew in advance about the 9/11 attacks.

And is the intelligence level significantly higher in Canadian politics? 

Oh, woe. Time for some jazz--maybe Miles Davis's "So What?"

Linked In to the Spirit World

Now! A new social network that takes you right out of this world! Introducing SpiritLink--the supernatural network that lets you connect with persons no longer on this planet! 

Yes! Have you dreamed of schmoozing with Albert Einstein? Trading gags with Henny Youngman? Flirting with Cleopatra! Now you can! 

Sign up now, to be SpiritLinked with the Spirit World! Frank Dimwoody of Fallen Arches, Manitoba, says "I signed up with SpiritLink and now my friends include William Shakespeare, Greta Garbo, Alexander the Great, and 1,500 others departed this world! I'm now trying to reach John D. Rockefeller to see if he can send me some money." 

SpiritLink--your connection to the Great Beyond!   

Escaping the Social Network

Okay, it's easy to get linked in; now how do you get linked out? And how do you move from Facebook to faceless? 

All of our new "friends" (350) and "connections" (+500) apparently enjoy being part of a vast network of cyberintimacy. But what about those of us who have hermit-like instincts? Those who would prefer a cave to a global presence? Is there a new antisocial network? A designation for recluses?

It seems impossible to resign from a social network; it's like trying to resign from the Mafia. And don't mention the witness protection program--there's even a social network for them ("Joey the Fink is now connected to Irving the Weasel and 1,500 others"). 

Mark Zuckerberg, what have you wrought? And that goes for the Winklefoss twins, too.

Pen Names

July 18, 1811, was the birth date of William Makepeace Thackeray, remembered best as the author of "Vanity Fair." Thackeray--journalist, editor and publisher, as well as a novelist--didn't always write under (or over) that name. Among his various noms de plume: M.A. Titmarsh, Theophile Wagstaff, C.H. Yellowplush and G.S. Fitzboodle.

Our favorite pen name: B.P. Ballpoint.

Wet Grass and Punk Jazz

Saturday afternoon's scheduled Vancouver Whitecaps soccer game at Empire Field was cancelled, due to a rain-soaked pitch. "I wish," said Lions coach Wally Buono, on his way back from a bad afternoon in Edmonton, "we'd been scheduled to play there." "Me too," said the Roughriders' Greg Marshall.

The Democrat/Republican impasse in Washington over raising the US debt limit is beginning to seem like a 1960s game of chicken. And who would want to be in the car with John Boehner?

Best new name for a punk jazz group: "The Dead Kenny Gs." Our thanks to CBC Radio's Tim Tamashiro for alerting listeners to this. Google the Dead Kenny Gs and you can hear this group, which says it is dedicated to fighting "injustice, cheese and dishonesty."

Back to football: the continuing circulation of quarterbacks and coaches in the CFL reminds us of Jack Wasserman's comment on Vancouver radio--"No need to turn the dial; leave it where it is and listen to the deejays roll by." 

Things One Wants to Forget

The nightmare that will continue to haunt Toronto Argonauts fans is the scene in which their team, the Argos, on Montreal's one-yard line, bobble the ball, and Chip Cox, one of the CFL's most effective and least lovable defensive players, grabs it and runs 110 yards for an Alouette touchdown. 

You may have thought we were making this up, but it did, indeed, occur, tonight in Molson Stadium. A glum ride back to Toronto for the boatmen. 

Meanwhile, AC set another CFL record. So what else is new?

Bradley Turfburn, PD football reporter.

Mr. Keen solves riddle

Once again, Mr. Keen, Tracer of Lost Persons, has come through. If you will incline your eyes to the right, you will see that Mr. Keen has located and returned Flying Rabbit, Mother of Twelve, Tozan, and the other highly valued followers of this not-for-profit (but willing to accept gifts) blog. 

Merci, Mr. Keen. Reward cheque in the mail.

The Lost Patrol

Something most mysterious has occurred, dear readers, if, in fact, there are any readers left. For a long and comforting time, there have appeared on the right side of the screen the visages or symbols of seven discerning persons described as "followers." And now they have vanished! Disappeared! Gone without a trace! 

It is very like one of those books or films we remember--"The Lost Patrol"--in which a band of brave Foreign Legionnaires are swallowed up in the desert mists. (If they have mists in the desert, but you get the idea.)

We wonder--could hackers for some hostile foreign power have seized our followers? Are they now being held hostage somewhere in cyberspace? We have turned over this puzzle to our Computer Specialist, although his technological qualifications end with the door knob.

Missing Persons Bureau, please act! Issue an APB! Find and return our missing followers! Or have them call home. (But not collect.) 

News of the World News

The statements of senior executives and owners of Britain's now defunct "News of the World" ("we never dreamed any of our people would be so naughty") reminds one of Captain Renault closing down Rick's Cafe Americain in "Casablanca": "I'm shocked, shocked, to find there is gambling going on here!"

And thinking of sleazy creative journalism, the most entertaining novel on the subject is Donald Westlake's "Baby, Would I Lie?" Also good on country music.

Prince William led his team to victory at the Santa Barbara Polo & Racquet Club on the weekend, scoring four goals. Among those who paid $400 apiece to watch were several Hollywood stars who previously thought chukkers was the name of a bar. 

This sudden, if brief, focus on polo reminded us of the time a "Vancouver Life" editor asked "What sport do the right people play?" We assured him it was polo. This led to a splendid article more or less related to polo called "How I Survived the Beer Strike." The author was Manville Rathborne III, who still swings a mean mallet. 

Polo was invented as a kind of war-like contest in Persia. In some parts of the world, the sport has not lost that quality. A globetrotting friend reports watching a match in Afghanistan where the usual wooden ball was replaced by an enemy's wrapped and shrunken head. 

As far as we know, this was not the case in Santa Barbara on Saturday, but "News of the World" is no longer around to tell us.

...and wearing number !01

Andre Vigneault, coach of the Vancouver Canucks, is hoping to sign Prince William for the 2011-12 season. "I watched the Prince handle the stick in Yellowknife," said Coach Vigneault, "and I believe there's a lot of talent there. We're hoping he's a free agent, and that we can put him on a line with Hank and Danny. Will would bring a lotta class to the game."

Meanwhile, the Prince is being courted in Calgary this week by the Flames, and in Winnipeg, owners of the new NHL team said, "Because of his association with aircraft, we think Prince William would be drawn to the Jets."

A Buckingham Palace spokesman, however, said, "If his Royal Highness suits up with any team, it will have to be the Los Angeles Kings."

Stay tuned for comments by Don Cherry.

Happy Birthday, Miss Potter

July 6 marks the 145th anniversary of the birth of Beatrix Potter, born in London, England, in 1866. Her first and most famous story, "The Tale of Peter Rabbit," was published in 1900. Thirteen years later, after creating a grand menagerie of characters, she married, gave up writing, and spent the rest of her life--she lived until 1943--raising Herdwick sheep.

Squirrel Nutkin, Jemima Puddle-Duck and all the rest are gathering for Ms. Potter's birthday party, and Peter Rabbit is baking a carrot cake.

Start the Fireworks!

It is the Glorious Fourth of July, said to have been the birthday of both Louis Armstrong and George M. Cohan.  Play "Struttin' with Some Barbecue" and sing "Yankee Doodle Dandy." And check to see if one of your ancestors has his signature on the US Declaration of Independence, penned this day in 1776.

Comforting News for Bibliophiles

Amidst the doom and gloom surrounding traditional book publishing, it is comforting to read this information from Tom Lutz of the Los Angeles Review of Books online magazine (lareviewofbooks.org): "Twenty times as many titles are [now] published each year than were in 1980."

And in other news...

Research has shown that happy orangutans live an average of seven years longer than unhappy orangutans. We hope never to encounter an unhappy orangutan.

BC Lions, in their opening game of the 2011 CFL season, ended up on the short end of a 30-26 score. Coach Wally Buono might have quoted Vince Lombardi: "We didn't lose, we just ran out of time."

As jazz festivals began across our hip and native land, this past week marked the 165th anniversary of the creation of the saxophone by Adolphe Sax. One could list dozens of great saxophonists, but we leave it to St. John Coltrane: "Let's face it, if we could, we'd all sound like Stan Getz."

Finally, China is celebrating the ninetieth anniversary of the founding of its Communist Party. Government officials are hoping to reawaken interest in the achievements of Chairman Mao. It is rumored that a film of Mao's Little Red Book is in the planning stages. Producers are considering either Mike Myers or Nathan Lane for the lead, although, one sighed, "John Belushi would have been perfect."