Let them eat cake--chocolate cake

January 27, we have only now learned, is National Chocolate Cake Day, at least among our friends to the south. It is claimed that chocolate cake had its origins in Massachusetts in 1765, but we are taking this with a grain of creme de cacao. 

Possibly the most elegant variation on the basic chocolate cake is the deservedly famous sacher torte, created by the chef of an Austrian prince in the nineteenth century. Most appealing, with a chilled dessert wine.

A viewer has complained that while there may be a national salute to chocolate cake, there is none for the chocolate martini, the chocolate Coke, the fudgsicle, or chicken mole. 

And this just in from a heavenly source: "Where's the day for angel food?"

Newt Moons the US

As his backup group, The Newtones, hummed "Oh, You Crazy Moon," former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich declared that if elected president, he will establish a base on the moon. Gingrich, hoping to receive the Republican Party's nomination for the presidency, said also that he would push for more flights to Mars. "Because," he said, "we love their chocolate bars."

President Obama congratulated Gingrich on what he called his "spacey thinking" and his ability to think "not only outside the box, but outside the planet. Even if Speaker Gingrich fails in his bid," said the president, "we would be happy to accommodate his dreams of space travel and put him on a flight to Pluto." 

Supporters of Gingrich now proudly identify themselves as Moonies.  

Burns in Winter

Much atthol brose will be consumed today, along with the haggis, and there will be countless recitations of the poems of Robert Burns.

On Robbie Burns Day, most will remember the romantic verse ("My Love is Like a Red, Red Rose") or the whimsy ("To a Wee Mouse") or the patriotic ("Scots Wha Hae Wi' Wallace Bled"), but we are grateful to the Reverend Douglas Fenton for alerting us to the less familiar "Winter's Dirge." Here is the middle stanza:

The sweeping blast, the sky o'ercast,

The joyless winter day

Let others fear, to me more dear

Than all the pride of May.

The tempest's howl, it soothes my soul,

My griefs it seems to join;

The leafless trees my fancy please,

Their fate resembles mine.

Another Glenfiddich, please.

Steve Delivers the Message

Prime Minister Stephen Harper and entourage emplaned for Davos, Switzerland to attend the World Economic Forum. The Prime Minister's Office reports that Mr. Harper will entertain world economic leaders with his rendition of the Wilf Carter favorite, "I Miss My Swiss/My Swiss Miss Misses Me." It is believed that the Prime Minister has been taking yodeling lessons.

Later, in a keynote address, Mr. Harper is expected to deliver a stern message to his counterparts in the European Union. "However," said a PMO spokesperson, "he will do this in song." The song chosen is the Steve Allen cult classic "You Gotta Have Something in the Bank, Frank."

Meanwhile, the meeting of Mr. Harper and cabinet ministers with leaders of Canada's First Nations has drawn mixed reviews. "On reflection," said the PMO spokesperson, "it may have been a mistake for the Prime Minister to come dressed as the Lone Ranger with John Baird as Tonto. However, we are assured that our native brothers will get a fair shake from this government."

Mr. Harper concurred: "Honest Injun." 

Pointless Fans Rise Up, Cow Congess

An unprecedented Internet revolt was carried out today by millions of fans of this blog. Threatened by the implications of proposed legislation in the United States--the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and the Protect Intellectual Property Act (PIPA)--legions of Pointless Digressions followers from Tahiti to Tuktoyaktuk bombarded the US Congress with threats of their own; e.g., we will stop watching "Cupcake Wars," we will enter Bev Oda in the Republican primaries, we will flood your airwaves with Stephen Harper performing the Anne Murray Songbook. One protester Twittered, "PIPA is a pip! What intellectual property do they have to protect? Reruns of The Jetsons? Nixon's State of the Union addresses? The Best of Sonny and Cher?" 

Thoroughly cowed, the sponsors of SOPA and PIPA immediately retreated. "What were we thinking?" said one. "It must be that free wine they give us in the Senate cafeteria," said another. "Let's get back to our real job, blocking anything reasonable proposed by the President."

Meanwhile, the Pointless Digressions fans have formed an organization of their own: Keep Our Online Koming (KOOK).     

The Immortal Fred on Tobacco Road

In one of its "let's look back" features the Vancouver Sun noted that on January 16, 1953, nine VPD officers charged into the Avon Theatre and carted away cast and crew of "Tobacco Road," a stage version of the Erskine Caldwell novel. It was reported that an "enraged citizen" had called to say the play was obscene.

The play's director urged the audience of 1,000 to stay in their seats, and before long, the cast returned, still in costume, fake beards and all, having paid or had paid for them $100 bail money. The play went on, and through its Vancouver run played to SRO houses.

What the Sun did not report, and what was not known, to the audience or the police, is that the call by an "enraged citizen" had been orchestrated by publicist Fred Hill, who saw this as a way to grab attention and fill seats.

Fred staged a number of imaginative publicity stunts in Vancouver and, as an actor, toured in a long-running production of "The Drunkard." He then departed for England, where, among other activities, he worked hard to give actor Oliver Reed a gentler image and had Tony Jacklin drive a golf ball off a highrise development into the Thames. In his spare time, he claimed to have discovered the identity of Jack the Ripper.

One of our favorite Fables of Fred: one afternoon he had some serious dental work performed. That evening, he attended a performance at the Queen Elizabeth Theatre. Uncomfortable with his new teeth, he kept trying to push them into place. At the intermission, a matron next to him said, "I hope that in the second act you will cease that annoying clicking." "In that case," said Fred, "you hold them." And handed her his teeth.

Cracked,But Not Breaking, News

A second district in France has outlawed the designation "mademoiselle," stating that it is discriminatory. Anyone caught singing "Mademoiselle from Armentieres" will be sent to the guillotine.

A front row concertgoer in New York recently disrupted a performance of Mahler's Ninth Symphony when his cell phone began playing a marimba ring tone. New York Philharmonic conductor Alan Gilbert halted the orchestra until the cell phone was silenced. We, however, have always felt that the Mahler Ninth needed a marimba.

Meryl Streep has received praise for her performance as Margaret Thatcher in "The Iron Lady," while the film's depiction of the former British prime minister has been assailed, in loyal Conservative quarters, with obloquy. Ms. Streep, undaunted, travels to Canada for her next portrayal of a powerful PM: John Diefenbaker.

Steve's China Adventure

Prime Minister Stephen Harper has announced he will visit China, an event heralded by Chinese media as "the most exciting since the visit of Richard Nixon."

The PM has been studying intensely for this important meeting with the world's fastest growing economic power. He has been rehearsing "Chopsticks" at the keyboard, learning Confuciunisms from old Charlie Chan movies ("John Baird," he says, "can be Number One Son"), and ordering dim sum in the parliamentary dining room. His favorite dish is chicken feet. "Chicken feet," he laughs, "that's what I used to call Dion and Ignatieff." 

He had been hoping to sing "On a Slow Boat to China" in Beijing,  but the estate of composer Frank Loesser has secured an injunction preventing this. Instead, he will perform a song of his own, one chorus of which follows: 

 "While you folks strive and toil

  We're the ones who've got the oil.

  You and me should have a chat

  When we get the stuff to Kitimat."

Foreign Fomenters

In recent times, unrest in various countries has been blamed, by the countries' leaders, on "external sources," foreigners, radicals, even terrorists who have entered their land to foment dissent.

This is the story being told by Syria's Basher al-Assad, as it was by Muammar Gaddafi (remember him?) and now, Canada has joined the club, as Natural Resources minister Joe Oliver claims that opposition to the proposed Enbridge pipeline has been orchestrated by (shudder!) non-Canadians.

Two points: 1. Joe (and al-Assad, et al.) have no problem accepting funds from outside their countries, but that's it.  Send the money and stay out of our stuff. 2. Joe (et al.) are unwilling to admit there may be genuine opposition from citizens of their own lands. This is known as denial.

Although, who knows? They may be right. there may be a sinister international syndicate--Foreign Fomenters, Inc.--ready to come in and mess up any country. 

Check out their website.

Watch out for those Socialist Billionaires!

Joe Oliver, Canada's Minister of Natural Resources (not to be confused with legendary jazz cornetist King Oliver, whose straight name also was Joe) complained today of environmentalists and others opposed to a pipeline that would carry oil from Alberta to the Pacific.

These people, said Joe, appear to be motivated by ideology. A curious charge for a Harper Conservative to make. What Joe meant was that the environmentalists' ideology is different from the Conservatives' ideology, which would make it wrong, if not totally evil.

Then Joe unleashed a warning: the protesters, he said, are being funded by Socialist billionaires in the United States. We didn't know there were a lot of Socialist billionaires in the United States. But if you meet one, please give him our number. Our motto: "Ideologies-R-Us."

Canucks vs. Bruins redux

Saturday's hockey game in Boston brought together for the first time since last year's Stanley Cup finals the Boston Bruins and Vancouver Canucks. It aso produced some extraordinary moments, including a hit on Sami Salo by Brad Marchand that caused Global TV sportscaster Jay Janower to call Marchand "that little four-letter something you seldom hear on television."

But our favorite post-game comment came from Bruins coach Claude Julien, who said, "If guys start protecting themselves the way Marchand did maybe guys will stop taking runs at other guys because that's the consequences you end up paying for taking runs at guys." Got that, guys?

Neither CBC nor TSN carried the game; it was left to Sportsnet to come through.  Canucks coach Alain Vigneault, tongue firmly in cheek, said it could not have been an important game, as no major network bothered to pick it up. 

One would have thought that network programmers might have anticipated a hot contest between last year's Stanley Cup rivals--especially when a look at the schedule revealed it would be the only regular season match-up of Canucks and Bruins. 

But there's always post-season and playoffs. Anyone for another round of Bruins vs. Canucks? 

The Feast of Epiphany

January 6, Christians celebrate the Feast of the Epiphany, and the church calendar moves into what is known as the Epiphany octave. It is the period for remembering, and thinking about, the journey  of the Magi (Wise Men, Three Kings) to see the Christ child.

In addition to the Biblical account, there are a number of literary improvisations on the story of the Magi, the best known, probably, being T.S. Eliot's poem ("A cold coming we had of it/Just the worst time of the year/For a journey"). But there are other writings attuned to Epiphany, and two of the most rewarding are "Journey of the Magi" by Paul William Roberts and "The Four Wise Men" by Michel Tournier. 

Roberts, primarily a journalist, who lives in Toronto, tells the often funny story of his retracing, by car and camel, of the Magi's route, from Iran through Iraq and Syria to Israel. Tournier's novel is fanciful, a bit fantastic, and ultimately profound and moving.  

A work we remember with great pleasure, but have mislaid, even forgotten its title, is a charming narrative poem that ends with the Magi returning home, but leaving a camel for the child and his friends to ride and play with in the great sandbox of the desert.

We wish us all, in the year 2012, a few epiphanies of our own.  

Breaking News

Economic statisticians reported today that Canada's top CEOs (Costly Excessive Oligarchs) had earned as much, in the first two and one-half days of 2012, as the average Canadian will earn in the entire year. We think that shows that the CEOs deserve an extra-long coffee break this afternoon.

In British Columbia, the provincial government's program to help smokers give up nicotine is proving effective. However, a recent analysis of the patches distributed by the Christy Clark regime indicate that they also contain a powerful anti-Adrian Dix drug. 

The situation in the Persian Gulf grew tense today as US aircraft carriers gave the Iranian navy the Clint Eastwood stare. A spokesman for Iran retorted, "What the Americans do not know is that we have developed a gigantic nuclear falafel."

Finally, latest polls from Iowa show the favorite in tonight's Republican caucus vote to be Bart Simpson.